Genesis 2:24: "That is why a man leaves his father and
mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
Although I loved my Dad greatly, growing up I was always
closer to my Mom. Even in my late teens and early twenties, I remember thinking
that when I got married no woman was going to stop me from helping my Mom
whenever she needed me. No way, no how! Period!!! If the truth be known, it was
my moving out to Arkansas
After dating Karen for several months, I learned that
Karen's parents were really great people and my Mom really enjoyed Karen's
company. We hit it off oh so well.
Then we got married...
And we all continued to hit it off oh so well. Karen and I
made a conscious decision that we would allow our parents to offer advice and
give us pointers, but ultimately we would make decisions together. I am happy
to report that in 19 years of marriage we have not been able to reach an
agreement only once, which worked out in the end to both our satisfaction. We
have been blessed in this area.
Very early in our relationship, I learned that I did not
have to fear Karen not allowing me to help my Mom because Karen was more
nurturing towards her than I was. I feel blessed to have a wife who cares
about my Mom's welfare so much. When Karen and I had to move away from our home
for me to begin my Government career, it was Karen's idea to move my Mom into
our completely paid off home in Oklahoma
During our entire marriage, Karen's parents (and now just
Dad) have been really good to us. They provided us with working automobiles
when we needed them and they loaned us the down payment for our first home.
They never asked for anything in return and we truly would have struggled more
without their help. We really have had good in-law relationships and I know we
are very, very, very blessed! Over the years, we have both lost one of our
parents. My Dad passed away in 2007 and Karen's Mom passed away in 2010. Both
are greatly missed.
Unfortunately, there are those married couples who have not
had similar positive experiences. One or
both spouses allow their parents to be so involved in their lives that it
interferes with their marriage. Well meaning parents go beyond offering advice
to actually making decisions for their grown and married children. Some of those
decisions even become enabling decisions: ones which enable their grown child
to do something that violates the sanctity of the marriage. This depth of
involvement on the parents' part inhibits their child from becoming so
completely united with their spouse that they won't function as God intended as
"one flesh."
When we had been married nearly two years Jonathan was born
and Justin and I became parents. Almost exactly two years after that, Jeremiah
joined the family. Justin took being a dad very seriously and was actively
engaged in parenting both boys from the beginning. In fact, he took a week off
work when Jonathan was born and assumed responsibility for as much of his care
as possible. I didn’t change a single diaper until Jonathan was at least a week
old and he was around two months old before I gave him a bath. I had a
C-section with Jeremiah which added another dimension to my recovery. Once
again Justin was right there taking a very active role in helping me care for
newborn Jeremiah and two year old Jonathan.
Psalm 127:3 says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.” Our children are blessings, but they can also add
stress to a relationship at times. They have a unique ability to both unite and
divide a couple, depending on the situation and how it is handled. Here are two
examples.
Babies and small children require a lot of time and energy,
often leaving a young mother exhausted, especially if she has more than one
little one to care for. Because of this, a husband can sometimes feel he has
been “replaced” in his wife’s affections. If not dealt with, this can cause
conflict between them. Justin’s involvement in the care of our boys from the
time they were born helped us avoid a lot of potential problems. When he was
home, we took care of their needs together, and we made sure Justin had plenty
of one on one time with each of them. Even now that the boys are teenagers, we
continue the same approach to our parenting. This has made it easier for us to
find time for each other and has helped give both of us the assurance of our
place on each other’s priority lists.
In our marriage, the area of parenting most likely to cause
a disagreement between Justin and me is discipline. We agree on all of the
major issues of discipline, and on the rules and standards we expect our boys
to live by. The disconnect sometimes occurs in how our individual personalities
tend to want to handle disciplinary issues. We agreed when the boys were very
small that we would not settle those issues in front of them, but to work it
out privately and then implement what we had decided on together. Thankfully,
we have had very few situations where this has been necessary, but it has
proven to be a good plan on those rare occasions. And we have found that
handling disagreements about discipline, or any other parenting issue, in this
way helps strengthen the unity in our marriage.
One of the most important things a couple can do for their
kids is to love each other deeply and work diligently to keep their own
relationship strong. We as parents are the primary examples of marriage our
children will be exposed to. We have the responsibility to provide a godly
model for them to follow. Justin and I are definitely not perfect parents. We
have made mistakes and will continue to do so occasionally. After all, each new
stage of the parenting process offers new things to learn and new challenges to
meet. But we have learned that if we choose to live according to Genesis 2:24
and function as “one flesh,” we will be much more successful as parents and our
children will not divide us but will truly be the blessings God intended them
to be.
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