Catching Foxes- Family and Marriage

Genesis 2:24: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

 

Although I loved my Dad greatly, growing up I was always closer to my Mom. Even in my late teens and early twenties, I remember thinking that when I got married no woman was going to stop me from helping my Mom whenever she needed me. No way, no how! Period!!! If the truth be known, it was my moving out to Arkansas to care for my Mom after she had surgery that lead to me meeting Karen.

After dating Karen for several months, I learned that Karen's parents were really great people and my Mom really enjoyed Karen's company. We hit it off oh so well.

Then we got married...

And we all continued to hit it off oh so well. Karen and I made a conscious decision that we would allow our parents to offer advice and give us pointers, but ultimately we would make decisions together. I am happy to report that in 19 years of marriage we have not been able to reach an agreement only once, which worked out in the end to both our satisfaction. We have been blessed in this area.

Very early in our relationship, I learned that I did not have to fear Karen not allowing me to help my Mom because Karen was more nurturing towards her than I was. I feel blessed to have a wife who cares about my Mom's welfare so much. When Karen and I had to move away from our home for me to begin my Government career, it was Karen's idea to move my Mom into our  completely paid off home in Oklahoma so she wouldn't have to pay rent any longer. Karen continues to show as much, if not more, love to my Mom as I do.

During our entire marriage, Karen's parents (and now just Dad) have been really good to us. They provided us with working automobiles when we needed them and they loaned us the down payment for our first home. They never asked for anything in return and we truly would have struggled more without their help. We really have had good in-law relationships and I know we are very, very, very blessed! Over the years, we have both lost one of our parents. My Dad passed away in 2007 and Karen's Mom passed away in 2010. Both are greatly missed.

Unfortunately, there are those married couples who have not had similar positive experiences.  One or both spouses allow their parents to be so involved in their lives that it interferes with their marriage. Well meaning parents go beyond offering advice to actually making decisions for their grown and married children. Some of those decisions even become enabling decisions: ones which enable their grown child to do something that violates the sanctity of the marriage. This depth of involvement on the parents' part inhibits their child from becoming so completely united with their spouse that they won't function as God intended as "one flesh."

When we had been married nearly two years Jonathan was born and Justin and I became parents. Almost exactly two years after that, Jeremiah joined the family. Justin took being a dad very seriously and was actively engaged in parenting both boys from the beginning. In fact, he took a week off work when Jonathan was born and assumed responsibility for as much of his care as possible. I didn’t change a single diaper until Jonathan was at least a week old and he was around two months old before I gave him a bath. I had a C-section with Jeremiah which added another dimension to my recovery. Once again Justin was right there taking a very active role in helping me care for newborn Jeremiah and two year old Jonathan.

Psalm 127:3 says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him.” Our children are blessings, but they can also add stress to a relationship at times. They have a unique ability to both unite and divide a couple, depending on the situation and how it is handled. Here are two examples.

Babies and small children require a lot of time and energy, often leaving a young mother exhausted, especially if she has more than one little one to care for. Because of this, a husband can sometimes feel he has been “replaced” in his wife’s affections. If not dealt with, this can cause conflict between them. Justin’s involvement in the care of our boys from the time they were born helped us avoid a lot of potential problems. When he was home, we took care of their needs together, and we made sure Justin had plenty of one on one time with each of them. Even now that the boys are teenagers, we continue the same approach to our parenting. This has made it easier for us to find time for each other and has helped give both of us the assurance of our place on each other’s priority lists.

In our marriage, the area of parenting most likely to cause a disagreement between Justin and me is discipline. We agree on all of the major issues of discipline, and on the rules and standards we expect our boys to live by. The disconnect sometimes occurs in how our individual personalities tend to want to handle disciplinary issues. We agreed when the boys were very small that we would not settle those issues in front of them, but to work it out privately and then implement what we had decided on together. Thankfully, we have had very few situations where this has been necessary, but it has proven to be a good plan on those rare occasions. And we have found that handling disagreements about discipline, or any other parenting issue, in this way helps strengthen the unity in our marriage.

One of the most important things a couple can do for their kids is to love each other deeply and work diligently to keep their own relationship strong. We as parents are the primary examples of marriage our children will be exposed to. We have the responsibility to provide a godly model for them to follow. Justin and I are definitely not perfect parents. We have made mistakes and will continue to do so occasionally. After all, each new stage of the parenting process offers new things to learn and new challenges to meet. But we have learned that if we choose to live according to Genesis 2:24 and function as “one flesh,” we will be much more successful as parents and our children will not divide us but will truly be the blessings God intended them to be.

Catching Foxes-Hobbies and Marriage

By some peoples' standards, Karen and my first date may have been almost anticlimactic. Our first date was on Sunday June 19th, 1994. We went out for lunch at a Western Sizzlin Restaurant, went to watch the "Flintstones" movie at the theater, went to a local park for a walk and then to my brother's house for a short visit. We finished out the day by going to the evening service at our Church. We had a ball!

 
I sometimes have to scratch my head when I hear some married person say, "My spouse and I just don't have any common interests." I have to wonder how those individuals got together in the first place. On our very first date, Karen and I discovered that we shared a similar interest in going for fun leisurely strolls. To this day, Karen and I enjoy walking through the woods out behind our house or traveling to Jasper to the Riverwalk. There is something magical about walking together, hand in hand, and just enjoying each others' company.

 Hobbies and interests are areas in a lot of couples' relationships that tend to draw them apart instead of strengthening their marriage bonds.  Couples thrive when they share similar interests. That doesn’t necessarily mean each partner will enjoy every activity, but it opens up the opportunity for greater sharing and compromise.  Sometimes that sharing is going to be an act of selfless giving. I say that because one spouse may really dislike doing what the other spouse enjoys, but makes a conscious decision to put their spouse’s desires above their own. I also say that there is opportunity for greater compromise because the spouse who enjoys doing something that their spouse dislikes can choose to alter their activities in some way to maybe make them more enjoyable for their spouse. Let me offer up a example. When Karen and I first got married, Karen did not like to fish. It wasn't her thing. I loved to fish but I didn't want to go fishing by myself. Karen decided to support my fishing desire by going with me, but instead of fishing she took her cross-stitch or crocheting with her. Since Karen loves to cross-stitch, crochet and sew, over the years I have learned to do all three so we could spend time together doing what she enjoys. It truly is about sharing and compromise.

Time together as a couple has to be guarded and kept as a high priority in order to keep the relationship strong and growing. When couples are dating and newly married, spending time together is a top priority. But as time passes, and responsibilities increase, that priority is often allowed to slip further and further down the list of importance. In some cases, it may even get abandoned completely. Justin and I have found that it is sometimes necessary to find creative ways to spend time together. It takes not only sharing and compromise, but intentionality as well. In our desire to make the most of the time available to us, we have learned that we enjoy a lot of the same activities, such as the walks Justin mentioned earlier. We also both like to camp, garden and just work outside in general. These have become “our” hobbies and we do them together.
 
As Justin said, when we were first married, I took my cross-stitch or crochet projects along and went fishing with him. Over the years, though, I laid down my needles and picked up a fishing pole. I developed an interest in fishing and now enjoy it probably as much as he does. And during hunting season, I will go sit out in the woods with him. Not only did I gain an enjoyment for fishing and hunting, I learned that these things can be fun simply because I do them with Justin. Now I still crochet and cross-stitch, but I’m more likely to do them when we are watching a movie or traveling and I need something to keep my hands busy.
 
Of course, this doesn’t mean we never have any time to ourselves. There are times when each of us will have a few hours to spend alone. One example is opening day of firearms season. Justin likes to go out by himself on that day. That is his time. On the occasions when he takes the boys on a father/son outing, I get my time. There is nothing wrong with couples having hobbies they enjoy doing alone. However, it becomes an issue if those hobbies start to cause division in the relationship. Then it is time to re-evaluate.
 
For me, one of the best things about Justin and me spending “hobby” time together is the company. We have grown closer in the process of exploring different activities and finding out which ones are a good fit for our relationship. Even when we encounter something one of us enjoys more than the other one does, our relationship is strengthened by both of us participating in that activity together, because it is an investment in our marriage and in each other. Both spouses win when each puts the others needs and desires above their own. Marriage is the most important and most intimate human relationship a person can ever experience. I can’t think of any better place to find a best friend than within that relationship. No matter how many other friends I have, or how close those friendships become, my very best friend is and always will be the man God has given me the blessing of spending my life with.