Catching Foxes- Friends and Marriage

Song of Solomon 2:15, "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."

 

Marriage is sacred. It was created and instituted by God himself. He placed His blessings upon it and declared it good. Most couples are on guard for obvious threats to their marriage, so Satan will seek more subtle means to break down the relationship. Over the course of the next several posts, we will explore some of those "little foxes" that sometimes negatively affect our marriages. The first question we want to address is, "Would you allow a friendship to interfere with your marriage?"

Most people wouldn’t deliberately go out and make friends with people who would come between them and their spouse. It usually starts out innocently enough; they meet somebody who shares like interests and they want to spend time with them. Most all of us experience two types of friendships, those with the opposite gender and those with the same gender.

As a person who works with more women than men, I tend to form stronger opposite-gender bonds than same gender bonds mainly because of the dynamics at work. Because of this, I am acutely aware and careful in what I say and actions that I take any time I interact with persons of the opposite gender. This is because I wouldn’t want to do anything that could be misconstrued as infidelity. When I speak of infidelity, I speak of emotional and physical infidelity.

My love and respect for Karen is so strong that I am extremely purposeful in protecting the confidential and intimate issues that we share. As my closest friend, I would be guilty of emotional infidelity if I shared ANY details with my friends of those thoughts, concerns, hopes, fears, passions or problems that Karen as my soul mate shares with me. It is this trust that builds an emotional bond between the two of us which is much stronger than the physical one. Yes, I said the emotional bond is stronger than the physical one. Why? God puts within us a desire to become one with another human being. The Bible tells us in Genesis that he (God) saw that it was not good for man (mankind) to be alone so he created the opposite-gender. In Genesis 2:24 it states, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” In addition, there is no doubt that in normal healthy relationships, we form emotional bonds with our parents and children that are stronger than any physical bond.

The sharing of too personal of information is what I see as one of the biggest problems with people that I interact with. When they become comfortable with those around them, whether the same or opposite gender, they start talking about stuff that they shouldn’t. In the case of opposite gender friendships, this could send the wrong message that there is something lacking in the relationship and that there is a need that needs to be filled.  This can lead to emotional infidelity because an illusionary bond of mutual understanding/compassion forms that strengthens and deepens emotional intimacy. Basically, opposite gender friends become so close that they cross from casual relationships into obsessive ones. They find they can’t wait to talk to that other person and they think about them all the time with excitement and anticipation.

Why is it important to understand how emotional infidelity brings division into a marriage relationship? As Justin mentioned above, when a man and a woman get married they become one flesh. This oneness gives married couples (especially Christian couples) a power Satan hates and will make every effort to weaken and destroy.  Too close of an opposite gender friendship can be just the tool he needs to accomplish this.

How do we prevent this from happening? Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (NIV) We have the responsibility to pay attention to what we are doing and what we are allowing into our thoughts and hearts. To do this properly we need to listen for the Holy Spirit's voice and be obedient to His leading. We also need to be sensitive to the feelings of our spouse. Often a husband or a wife will be alert to relationships that pose potential threats to the marriage long before the spouse who is in that relationship realizes there is something wrong. Keep the lines of communication and accountability open between you and give careful consideration to how your spouse feels. No one, husband or wife, should ever be allowed or made to feel threatened by a relationship outside the marriage.

Justin and I hold ourselves accountable to each other for the opposite gender friendships each of us has. For example. Justin and I have a mutual close, male friend with whom I interact on a semi-regular basis.  By my own choice, I make myself accountable to Justin for my interactions with him. I always let Justin know if I have a conversation with this friend. This serves two purposes. It builds trust because Justin knows I'm not going to hide anything from him. It also gives me a point of reference. If I should ever find myself willing to conveniently "forget," or deliberately choose not to tell Justin about my interactions with this friend, it will be time to take a hard look at the friendship and my reasons for being secretive.

This concept holds true, not only for this friendship, but for all of my other opposite gender relationships as well. Why have I chosen to conduct myself in this way? Because I'm guarding my heart, and my marriage. This friend has never been a threat to my relationship with Justin, and I intend to keep it that way. Justin is my best friend and the love of my life. I have no desire to hurt him in any way. So in order to protect my marriage, I would not hesitate to distance myself from ANY friendship that may cause him to feel like he is competing for my affection.